How to Be a Street Racer

General Life Guide

'Import Car'

So, you've watched `The Fast and the Furious' eight times, and you live by Dominc's famous words, "I live my life a quarter-mile at a time, in those ten seconds or less I am free," you are a bonified street racer. If you're fat please don't confuse this life motto with, "I live my life a quarter-pounder at a time, no lettuce or tomato and french fries for free," you're just a bonified fat ****.
Anyways, before you go blowing your cash on a fixed-up Honda, Nissan, or Acura, take a look in your own garage first. If you own any type of imported vehicle, you can be a street racer! You don't need a fast car; all you need is some stickers, sweet driving skills and a little imagination.

Driving Techniques

First, let's discuss how to properly drive your imported vehicle. Even if your import has a stock engine, you can't let anybody else know this. Although people rarely know the difference, a little mystery will help your image. Driving your vehicle properly is imperative. Think of the street cred points you would lose if you drove just like every other Average Joe? Here are some driving tips that are sure to get you the reputation you deserve:

ALWAYS drive fast, even if the next stoplight is only 500 feet away.

Try to secure the front spot when waiting at a stoplight. Make sure your front end is all up in the pedestrian crosswalk to let everyone know who is boss.

If you cannot secure the front spot, be sure to stop behind a car that has a higher probability of driving fast. For example: If you are faced with the decision of either stopping behind a Dodge Caravan or a Ford Focus, choose the Focus even if you are almost at a stop already. Cutting people off makes them realize how fast and powerful your car is.

When driving in traffic: One word. Weave. Always try to get in front of people who are blocking your way to VTEC happiness. If someone refuses to heed to your Japanese balls of steel, drive about one foot behind them. This is international car talk for "Please move your vehicle when possible". If somebody honks at you, it is not because you are driving recklessly; it is simply horns of applause at your aggressive, talented driving.

When you see a Mustang GT or SRT-4 on the freeway, casually pass them and put on your hazards on, signifying your win. Immediately go home and post on your favorite internet car forum that you raped a Mustang on the freeway. Then masturbate to the thought of your 4-cylinder naturally aspirated monster destroying an eight cylinder with low HP per liter, realizing that at sexual release, only the feeling of going into VTEC is better than jizzing in your hand. Don't forget to wipe it up with your sock!

Car Image

The image of your car is important to you as a street racer. Without it, you are nothing. Image is MUCH more important than what is actually under the hood. Here are some simple steps that enhance your bragging Horse Power (numbers you don't need to worry about, just know it makes your car fast in Honda land):

Step 1 - Lower your car: all street racers have lowered cars, without it, you might as well be driving a Yugo.
+ 5 Horse Power

Step 2 - Body kit - Be sure to have a body kit on your import.If you can't afford one, make it out of cardboard. If you can, don't worry about painting it, this is not important to your street racing image.
+ 10 Horse Power

[ Extra Horse Power if your car has a primered body kit with a painted car and you leave it like that for 6 months or more. + 2 extra Horse Power]

Step 3 - Carbon-Fiber anything: Carbon-Fiber makes your car lighter and faster.
+ 5 Horse Power

Step 4 - Spoiler: The bigger, uglier, more obnoxious the better. A well-placed spoiler SCREAMS "Street Racer".
+ 7 Horse Power

Step 5 - If you are a girl: be sure to show your Honda power with a pink, flowery sticker that says "Powered By [Your name here]" or better yet, "Powered By Bitch."
+ 2 Horse Power

[Again, + 2 Horse Power more if the sticker color does not match your car at all]

Step 6 - Muffler tip: Don't waste your time doing your entire exhaust system. No street racer knows the difference anyways. Just go to your local muffler shop and pick up a 3 inch muffler tip. Sound is perhaps the most important aspect of your import.
+ 10 Horse Power

FYI: Don't have time/can't afford a muffler tip? That's OK! Just get a drill and put a golf-sized hole in your muffler. Works just as well! + 4 Horse Power

Step 7 - Stickers: Stickers on your car enhance and add the much-desired Horse Power. They can be from anywhere, your local muffler shop, body shop, or the sticker from your favorite radio station. + 1 Horse Power for every sticker.

Step 8 - Car Color: If you are Mexican, make sure some kind of neon color makes it onto your import. No need for professional paint, spray paint will do.
+ 10 Horse Power

Step 9 - Your Nationality: Being short and Asain with spiky black hair gives you even more street cred...if you are ready to handle the attention, bleach the tips of your hair and bust out your Linkin Park/Jay-Z "Collision Course" CD + 10 Horse Power

Step 10 - Tagging your Acura as a Honda: There is no greater sign of greatness in the import world. If you live in the U.S., tagging your Acura as a Honda gives you the BIGGEST penis on the block! You see, in Japan, Acuras are Hondas.
+ a billion Horse Power

Pre-Racing/ Getting someone to race you

Step 1 - Get in behind them and flash your brights, this is international car talk for "Would you like to eat my dust?"

Step 2 - When coming to a stoplight, intimidate your opponent by revving and rolling down your window to shout mild racing obscenities such as:
# "Your mom goes to college!"
# "Where did you get that spoiler?! The toilet store?!"
# " I slept with your girlfriend last night!"
# "I put my wiener in your sister's mouth last night!"

Racing

Honk 3 times, and on the 3rd honk, place the pedal to the metal.

Winning/ Losing

Whether you win or lose, let your opponent know who they're dealing with:

If you win, get in front of them and flash your hazards. This is international car talk for " Oh snap, I kicked your ***, you stupid bitch."

If you lose, drive off with your head held high and don't let them see you cry. Talk **** about them to your friends saying it doesn't matter and thier car was a piece of **** anyways, and if you had a better launch you would have won.

Final Thoughts on the Street Racing Life

To finalize your life as a street racer, you must dabble in all aspects of street racing life. For example, you could visit the online Honda Forums daily or stop watching porn and look at live streaming videos of real Japanese Nissan Skylines,those down-and-dirty Toyota Supras or God's own chariot the Integra Type-R. Whatever it is, remember to always live life a quarter mile at a time.

Just did my scaling & polishing yesterday @ amk.. $26 only lor.. cheap cheap cheap!!!! Called my braces clinic but they don't do the service anymore, so i just visited the one at blk 302.. waited from 10am to 1pm cause is walk in.. lOlx~ but i just wait lor since i'm free.. hahaha~

we went to jb in the late afternoon, jammed for 1 hour at causeway -.-" ... bought cat stuff and did some groceries shopping... had our dinner at 777. the sugar cane large is so fucking HUGE!! should have taken a pic comparing the normal size and the large one. But i guess we're just too engross in the food already.. hahaha!!! we had stingray, sotong & satay..the seafood is fresh, and the satay is 爽到。。。。。。。。muahah!! plus, they have beef satay ok? BEEF!!!!! Happy 到。。。hahaha!! so we ordered 10 stick of beef, 10 sticks of chicken... i think they applied honey on the satay cause it's sweet & they really added lots and lots of pineapple in the sauce. i want to go there again!!!!!

overall, we spent SGD200... the groceries cost RM180. oh, the pet shop stuff are also very cheap... and i saw a no. of cats wil very cute fur colors...hahha~

Extracted another 2 teeth today, removed my separator (finally!!). the extraction this time seems to be worse than last week as it's still bleeding now, and the "holes" seems to be bigger... dotx..
anyway, i'm so freaking happy to remove those moronic separators... maybe i can ask my doctor to do scaling & polishing for me before having the braces next Thursday.. hmm..

2nd Visit

Visited my dentist on Thursday for extraction of 2 teeth & fixing the separator. There's totally no pain for the extracted part but i can't bite too hard cause of the separator as it'll cause pain... can't even eat wanton mee... Sianx~
Anyway, it'll only be there for 1 week, then it's another visit to the dentist again...

5 days and counting down...

New Software: Husband 1.0

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6..5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife


Reply:

Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:

Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0 ..

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Sexy Dress 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

The Fastest Starlet in Town!!

yea.. like real... it's just a 1.3 carb. i was aiming that car dealer till my frens wanna laugh.. btw, the conversation was in mandarin..

Me: Is this the starlet on sgcatmart?
Dealer: Yup. This starlet very fast, and in a good condition.
Me: But there are some tiny cracks on the windscreen lor.
Dealear: WHere got.. aiya.. those can just touch up de la..
Me: Ar.. ok (wtf) Hmm... but form the web, it's got a full GT bodykit, however it seems lacking of a spoiler.
David: Spoiler can just buy la, nvm de la...
Me: but web mentioned that it'd got recaro seats, but no matter how i looked at it, er..
Dealer: Neh, recaro seats lor.
Me: But that's only GT seats leix...
Dearler: Aiya, recaro also sports seats mahx.. same one la..
Me:(speechless..dotx dotx)

KK was trying so damn hard not to laugh, David was expressionless, cause he knows what i'm trying to do.. hahaha!!

oh, and we saw another blue one with a FULL GT bodykit at least... stock engine. 1e carb. and they got another dealer to talk to us... of course in mandarin.

Dealer: this stock engine quite fast and in a good condition as the previous owner who bought from us is from police, then he sold it back to us again and get a weekend car. YOu know hor, i heard from my fren said starlet got a club de leix... and hor, the starlets in the club are very fast lor... my friend also said they've go those round headlamps.. very expensive lor!!! but very chio la...

We were like nodding our heads but LAUGHING inside.. :P
we just said KK just got his licence, so he's thinking of getting a stock car and mod it. blah blah... then KK said my friend also drives a starlet.. that red one outside. So dav drove in, the dealer was "wah, very sui leix.." He asked if he can look at the engine, so we just "pop" the bonnet. The dealer was like WAHHH!!!! and in mandarin he said," got turbo right????!!!!!!" we just laughed and nodded our heads.

He passed us his name card.. and his name is Nah (Which i think is his surname). We were so trying hard not to laugh... but we still did after getting inside the car..LOLx! i know it's bad to laugh at people's name. but he's name is real funny.. lOl~!!

We dropped by Wendy's to have prata since we've eaten nothing for the whole day, and just chatted and chatted.. went bbq @ punggol around 8. And the best thing was, the organiser was the latest! he got there around 9, 10pm.. dotx!! but it's still fun with the laughter, the chats and stuff... we went off early, about 11.30pm... waited for Tobi'rina' for mj, till this morning.. lOlx~ at least i won some money, not bad not bad.. hahah~

Iron Man

Watched iron man with david & kk yesterday night.. it's ok la overall, but some parts were really funny.. lOlx..

few days ago, we saw a sarlet selling on sgcarmart having full GT bodykit, recaro seats and it's the fastest starlet in town!!! now, it's caught all of the starlet kakis attention!! muahahhaha!! but 1st of all, it's so called full GT bodykit is lacking of the spoiler, the recaro seats are only GT seats (-.-"").. And for the fastest starlet in town, we're going to test drive it today!! die die also have to sia sui the dealer!! mUHAHhahah!! see whose starlet is faster lor... scarli that starlet has 5efte engine then i nth to say le.. but on the other hand, if that owner is selling a 5efte engine for just $11~K, he's really either gila, or just a plain fuckin' moron... but if he's selling a 1to 3e engine, can really go n fuck spider cause the price is just too expensive..

will be updating after the starlet "showdown"!! ^^

Forbidden Kingdom

Done with Forbidden Kingdom last month... not bad, but it's just so weird when it's in English. We all agree that it'll be much much MUCH better in Mandarin instead...

I can't wait to watch Indiana Jones & Narnia and others.. movies, anyone?

This Sunday's Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the great mummies out there!! Though i didn't grow up with a mother, but i'm more than happy with having mummy with me already. mom, i guess you should know what i'm talking abt right? ^^
I've got more than a thousand words to tell you, but nothing is able to describe how thankful i am that you're around & helping me all these 20 years in my life with my ups & downs.

LOVE YOU!!! MUACKS~!!!!

Had dinner with muah family on Sat @ Parkroyal (Kitchener Road). Fortunately, we were there @ 6.30pm cause it's SOOO crowded by 7,8pm already. Anyway, we finished our dinner at 9 plus (yup, 9 plus!) and i'm so BLOATED. =P Thanks mom, dad & sam for the wonderful dinner. ^^

Had an appt with Master Chew to visit my house yesterday afternoon... got rid of my possessed bolster.. there's a female spirit in it whom nobody knows where she's from. Also have to get rid of the fish tank since pa's element is fire, so having a fish tank (even worse, it's placed at his "prosperity location").. lOlx~ gotta change the furniture setting in 2 bedrooms & the living room, gotta buy 5 zhao cai mao, and 2 dangling? blinds. Oh, and i've never seen that pair of dowsing rods was opening that wide, literally straight, in fact, when facing me. good sign, i supposed? muahahhahaha! ^^

Anyway, 3 of us & James went to witness an exorcism of a middle-aged lady at night by Master Chew, and went for dinner at his new bak kut teh shop @ Joo Chiat. Yum~~!!! Then, we still went over to Wendy's with Getz club.

Tiring...

You Were The One
by Stephanie Marie DreamAngel

You were the one
Who treated me like sh**
You were the one
Who always like to hit.

You were the one
Who would never call
You were the one
Who introduced me to the wall.

You were the one
Who thought you was just "too cool"
You were the one
Who made me out to be the fool.

I can only hope and dream
That one day
You will awake and see
You no longer mean anything to me.

WHY?
by S M Z

Each night as i fall asleep,
All I think about is you.
I can't help myself, I start to weap.
You said you loved me too.

You said that was the last time it would happen,
That your love for me would be true.
I took you back with loveing arms,
And now i see that was a lie, too.

As i lay in bed and remember our times,
It seems the bad outrule the good.
Us argueing and crieing is all that runs through my mind.
You hurt me like you said you never would.

The love I have for you is so strong,
Things happened, words were said,
I wonder why it went so wrong.
As I lay here in my bed,

I think about my new guy.
Why did you have to come back to me?
All you ever do is make me cry.
If you could only see how happy i am now,

Without you, I thought I would never be.
But here I am and all I can do is wonder how?
How can I go on knowing one day you may want me back?
And with my new life i would be waiting,
For those special days i now lack.

I fell so fast for you,
I loved you with all my heart.
I thought you loved me, too?
But now I sit alone and my heart's torn apart.

I moved on, now; I found someone new,
Not knowing how I would ever get over you.
You were my first and only love,
Maybe one day you will notice what was lost?
A perfect relationship, precious as a dove.
You took my heart, loveing you was a large cost.

We said we hated each other,
I told my friends it was the end.
Now, i see you often, I thought i was doing good?
Even though I never thought i would.

My feelings now seemed to have changed,
But I am to scared to love you again.
My whole life I would have to rearrange.
One day I am out, the next I am in?
Till this day i know my love for you,
Will always be here and true.