D&D

Okay, it's been a long time since I last felt like this: Nervousness.
Just because I'm singing tomorrow, solo, on stage. It feels slightly worse than my dance performances, maybe it has been a long time since my last stage performance.

The best thing? Nobody else, except myself (duh) & Marilyn (cause she's The Chair), knows about this. Not even Sai, Linh, Marcus, Doris, Angelia (all these people are part of the committee, Sai:VC; Linh: previous  term's Chair,.etc)...nobody.

I know how much this means to Marilyn. I have to pull it off, by hook or by crook!

Thank you, mommy & daddy.

Thank you for dropping by today, for listening to me, letting me know that you are here for me.

Thank you for being with me today, for talking with me, putting everything I need to listen in words.

Thank you for spending time with me today, for giving ideas, for telling me that I'm not alone.

Thank you for being there for me, at my lowest peak of my life.

Thank you for everything that you've done for me, ever since I was born.

Thank you.

我好累。。。

好累，我真的好累。。。我不知道，真的不知道。。。真的好想死了算了。。。沒有人能理解，沒有人能明白。。。一個老孩子，一個小孩子，和一個什麼都不管的前夫。。。我只是人，一個普通平凡的人。。。為什麼我要承受那麼多。。。憑什麼要我承受那麼多。。。憑甚麼。。。為什麼我要承受別人惹的禍。。。為什麼我得負責這一切。。。為什麼走錯一步就得陪上一切。。。為什麼不是我的錯卻要我承受這一切。。。我不想管了，真的不想管了。。。誰的事我再也不管了。。。

How disappointing...

with AMKCH. Very Disappointing.

As there wasn't anyone to look after my father at home when he's discharged from NHCS, we concluded that it would be better for him to stay at AMKCH for a month or less. At the very least, his dressing would be taken care of by the staff and for physio. He was transferred to AMKCH last Monday.

Dr Lim did tell my dad not to compare the ward and AMKCH as they are very different. We know thatr AMKCH is a community hospital, a hospital not for the acute but for those who suffer from chronic problems such as stroke, Parkinson's, etc. What my dad needed were just dressing and physio/allow him to walk more as instructed by Dr Lim, so we thought it shouldn't be that bad since he doesn't take up much time from the staff.

I was wrong. Very wrong. Totally wrong.

I visited him last Wednesday afternoon, he told me to get him out from there. I was surprised since my dad wasn't the type of patient that needed so much TLC from the staff, and he's pretty nice to anyone.

Shocked - he wasn't even allowed to walk by himself even though he told the staff Dr Lim needed him to walk around to lose those pounds. He was literally confined to the bed; being chased of to bed; allowed walking only within the cubicle.

My ultimate last straw - His dressing wasn't changed since yesterday! The wound has been exposed since the dressing was wet after his shower in the early morning. Repeat: The wound is EXPOSED from early morning till afternoon.

I went straight to the nurse in charge of my dad's cubicle, told her that my dad wants to get out of there, and I want my dad to get out of there. After the hoos and the haas - joint discussion with Dr Nalin (doc in charge of the ward), Nurse Manager Ye and the social worker - they wanted me to persuade my dad to stay longer. Reason? It's no nice to discharge a patient pre-maturely.
Anyway, Dr Nalin said he would discharge my dad if his surgeon allows him to discharge in writing. When I heard this, I was like: "It's so easy to get Dr Lim to write it for you."

After much persuasion, my dad was okay to stay till Fri, the review appointment with Dr Lim. He saw the dressing and hated it cause it will keep the moisture inside inside of drying it out. He looked at me and said, "you'll do a much better job than this. You'll take over the dressing for your father."
I told him AMKCH needed a memo from him to discharge my dad, he just wrote it without any second thought. Mission accomplished. Back to AMKCH, handed over the requested memo to Dr Nalin, and HOME SWEET HOME!

I did my dad's dressing at night, and he went to CCK poly to get it done in the morning since he was still sleeping when I left home for work.  The wound improved tremendously as said by Dr Lim this morning.

Mommy said that during ah kong's time when he was at AMKCH, the facilities were bad but the staff were great. But now, great facilities but the staff are lacking. It's quite sad, actually.

Pebble that skipped across the pond

Dad's in OT again to remove a blood clot from his forearm, I guess he'll get be out after 5 p.m..

Maybe I should start writing short stories again, since I've got so much time to kill now at the waiting area. No point going home then to clinic anyway.

Pebble that skipped on a pond

Just cause I have no idea what to have as a title.

Accompanied my dad to the hospital yesterday; did admission; left late.
He's now at CTICU with a breathing tube cause his condition doesn't permit him to be at ICA. Could only visit from outside. Nothing much I could do anyway so left early. Hope he gets transfer out of CTICU soonest. Just waiting for a call from the unit when he's out.

Thanks to everyone who's concerned.

Rin.

Hai. Watashi wa Rin desu. My pen name. This idea came from my nick, ic3st0rmer. Surprisingly, how an username for Neopets thought by my classmate then, became a representative name I have been using since then.

Knowing that my dad won't be able to visit places for months, we went for a movie yesterday night. It was En's first time, but she was so tired till she fell asleep in the cinema, and had to be carried home after.

It does seem like major events are never ending. He just had one late last year, and he has to go for another one on Thursday. Not forgetting another one, probably later this year or early next year. I felt so overwhelmed that I stayed in the clinic longer. I am thankful that he was there, really thankful. He even wrote me SOS's number which I told him I will never call. I know he meant well, as a doctor, as a boss, as a person. But still, I will never call. Why? Cause I don't know what to say to them. For so many years (at least a decade, and yes, I'm turning 28 this year), I have been at the receiving end, for most of the time even if not all.

I know myself best: just got to let it out myself and I'll be better. Like now. Yes, I know, I can look for my Familie. But them having S.O. now, I'm not such a block of wood. Besides, they won't understand  anyway. I am blessed with the gift to understand how does a person feel, or certain thoughts. That is why I know what to do with him/her at that situation. I was never a person that find someone for my troubles. Maybe that is why it is difficult for me to open my mouth and speak. I have been so used to letting it out my own way when it is overflowing, and it still works.

I like him yet I won't tell a soul. I am just being me.

It's been a while...

I've not been blogging lately, 24 hours ain't enough for my daily activities. Exam for Anthropology was over on Tue *praying that I can pass this*; selected 1 module to study (again) for upcoming trimester, and it's just once a week instead of twice since it's a lectorial.

And dad's going for surgery, again. He did a laser for kidney stone last year. He'll be going for angiography+angioplasty on Mon. Thank goodness I had decided to take 1 module per term. Otherwise, I'll probably be dead before I am done with it.

Yes, I still like him, though I seriously don't think it's mutual. Should I ask him? Or just bring to my grave? I know he's not married, but I'm not sure if he's attached. Although his parents said he's not, he might be and not telling his family. It's so complicated. Firstly, him being my boss... Then I'm a divorcee with a daughter. Not many are willing to accept that. Even if he's okay with that doesn't mean his family will be. Besides, his family is huge, HUGE. Most importantly, I am worried about my girl, if she's accepting and I don't want her to get hurt from anything.

Or, I would probably just bring this to my grave. Live without being attached to a relationship...

Crashed through it!

First thing: I just submitted my assignment but late. I couldn't believe that the file was corrupted just before I wanted to submit on Friday night. I did feel like giving up cause I had to start from scratch literally. But, late submission was better than no submission at anytime. I crashed through days of work in just hours, 15 to be exact (excluding sleep time, duh!). I really hope it doesn't turn out too bad from my lecturer's point of view.

I've got hundreds of thoughts to write, but kinda lazy. Anyway, I've selected to take 1 module for next term and maybe for a few more terms, since En2 is preparing for P1 next year and SCC just started. People whom I know asked how I managed so many stuff in my life at the same time. I don't really have an answer for that though, but of course, certain things has to be sacrificed with guilt. For example, I'm still working on weekends' evening at Dr Tay's, so I'll have to sacrifice my leave to visit mom on weekdays and less frequent due to school commitments. Yes, I do feel guilty somehow but I'm really thankful that mom, dad and bro are understanding.

I'm also thankful that my engineers (even my direct PUB officers from CCN too!) are understanding in a way that they try to schedule meetings to the day after my assignment is due or exam. Some of them, including my CCN PUB officers seen the worse side of me few years ago. Although nothing was said, support was felt and received in other ways.

It wasn't that easy, but it wasn't tough as described by others either. Probably because I have just one and I'm capable of earning my own income and it is sufficient to sustain household necessities and monthly spendings. It would really be dreadful if I rely on the maintenance and alimony to survive, especially when my ex doesn't really transfer the amount on time. And no, it's just $550 in total, not a thousand.

I haven't been to CYG ever since my evening class started. Even though their assistance in some stuff cannot be denied, but I don't think I'll return. I can't go to others anyway for the next several years due to over-powering commitments. Though I think i better stick to what I said to boss and mama, that I'll continue serving after my studies are completed. To not waste away their past efforts and my time, I have been spending some time in mama's temple whenever I could since it is so much nearer than boss's. I hope it helps in some or other way. I did asked mama if my third boss is 關爺, but it is still a suspense (too early for me to know, what's new). I think I'm a freestyler in this as I don't really like how CYG kept changing their ideas and opinions on certain matters which confuse me in the end. Even at mama's, I don't really know what and why they do certain things at first, but I feel more peace regardless. I do know something over the time spent at mama's, that she enjoys watching people 擲筊 and then smiling/laughing discreetly at people having 笑筊 consecutively. Evil... Hahahaha!

我依然單身。

離婚了幾年，我依然單身。不是因為條件，也不是因為對愛情死心。但卻依然單身。

自己知道，為甚麼不能好好談一場戀愛。就是因為自己太清楚自己是怎樣的一塊料，所以不會再輕而易舉把自己交出去。就像發現跌倒以後的傷口會留下疤痕，於是走路時不敢再大步跨出去。也知道認識一個人很簡單，但是要忘記一個人很困難。曾經幸福的閉上眼睛，讓另一個人帶你去任何地方，最後卻差點回不來。所以不能再失去方向感。

於是變得膽小，也在安慰自己，有朋友就足夠，現在的生活也過得非常好。雖然會有喜歡的對象，也想和他在一起。但是在這兒感覺之中有些慌張，害怕。所以希望把這份感覺埋著，不會特意的表達，讓他知道。

就算不害怕再次談一場戀愛，也不知道對方是否願意。哥哥說：“你不說，他怎麼知道”。

或許覺得戀愛並不重要，有也好，沒有也罷。也或許是因為曾經被傷得太深，害怕再跨出去。總總原因，就是不會對他說 “我喜歡你”。

Seriously?!?!?!?!

Theft in clinic, I can't believe it happened again! It happened before few months ago, and I was told it happened again! Seriously, the bosses are real nice people, one of the nicest I've met thus far, as a matter of fact. Although they weren't expensive medicine, the clinic a hundred or so over these 2 incidents. The total amount isn't that small, but even if it is, The clinic paid for the supplies regardless!

Yes, there are people who steal for a living or out of wits, but not this person! Heck, the person is stealing from the hands who is feeding her (in a way since we are paid for our work). It is absolutely wrong morally, ethically, criminally, whatsoever. Imagine if this happened to daddy, hell will take over. No kidding since he has a temper of fury at times.

And the best thing is, she's playing tai chi to the part-timers. My eyes gotten quite red when I was told, so boss thought that I felt wronged but I told her considering myself a bulletproof person since PRO takes blame for something that happened or not done usually. I feel unjust for the bosses simply because they don't deserve such happening at all!

She was told that if it happens again the police will be called in. I really hope that she stops what she's doing. I wonder where her morals and values are, really.